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Alright, so it’s 2007 and people are still clamoring over Devil May Cry.

Honestly, isn’t Devil May Cry a game past its own prime?  Does anyone really enjoy literally mashing buttons for hours on end?  Playing Devil May Cry makes your fingers hurt and makes the developers of The Bouncer cry.  If only we created a vampire/human/loser as our protagonist! We’d be millionaires!

Regardless, Capcom’s press release states that a demo will be available for LIVE and Playstation’s network in early 2008.  They also added this little gem;

The demo introduces gamers to the gothic-inspired supernatural world of Devil May Cry 4, new protagonist Nero and the awesome power of his Devil Bringer. The demo consists of a sampling of sections from the full game, chosen to showcase Devil May Cry 4’s varied locales and allows gamers to familiarize themselves with Nero’s unique abilities.

Anyone else bored with Grand Theft Auto news?  We’ve been slipped three trailers and a handful of screens since this game has been in the can.  It would be nice to see some game play or even be given a static release date. Regardless, here’s the best screen out of the new batch given out by Rockstar today.

Anyway, now I’ll try to be one of those losers that break down these images.

“Alright guys, I’m breathing heavy.  Seriously, the Cheetos that I found in my belly button and put in my mouth got stuck in my throat.  In this screen we see the protagonist in a car.  That must mean you can drive airplanes in Grand Theft Auto IV.  Also, there’s a road, so it must be based in New York City.  Oh – and my god – there’s two policemen.  I bet they chase after you after you do bad things.  Holy shit, it’s a ‘living, breathing city!’”

Pretty good, right?

The RPG bomb finally dropped on the 360. After Oblivion, RPG fanatics have had little to wet their appetites. Blue Dragon and Eternal Sonata were both decent forays into J-list gaming, but ultimately falter at being both engaging and intelligent. The musings of Chopin and camel-toe of Lola do not hold a candle to the package that Mass Effect brings to the table. Mass Effect is here and it is good, but does it warrant the hype?

Developed by the boys at Bioware, Mass Effect is supposed to take players on an intergalactic train ride of hard moral choices and realistic combat. Bioware are the guys that brought you the other memorable space story Knights of the Old Republic and the lovable oriental smash hit Jade Empire. Before these console titles, Bioware experimented in the Dungeons and Dragon’s universe with Baldur’s Gate and Neverwinter Nights. All of these previous titles incorporate excellent story telling, great fighting mechanics and a decent character creation system. While the legacy of great games continue at Bioware, Mass Effect fucking screams “Choo-choo!” at the rest of their games and competition.

Create Your Character

Before the story of Mass Effect begins, players are given the option to make their own unique Commander Shepherd. Commander Shepherd is the main protagonist in the game, and the only character the player will be able to personally utilize. The options are not as incredibly advanced as Oblivion, but they serve well. First, players are asked to choose a male or female. From there, multiple pre-rendered faces are offered with minor tweaks available to the player. Recessive alleles like eye color, nose size, cheek width among others are those tweaks to tool around with after choosing a face. There is also a neat scarring system that can add roughness into an otherwise baby-face. Then, there is the hair. There is more freedom to choose with the females, but the male hair is atrocious. The options are a range of funny looking buzz-cuts to completely bald. Unfortunately, height and weight are not allowed nor offered.

After creating the physical appearance of Commander Shepherd, you are then prompted to create a background. These are simple options that factor into some of the speech given by NPCs. Options like “orphan from Earth” and “sole survivor of an invasion” are available to choose from. It is not particularly hard to say that these cookie cutter backgrounds do not really impact the gameplay significantly. So, do not think about it too hard.

Next, you have to pick what kind of fighter you want Commander Shepherd to be. There are six different character classes to pick from initially. Each class has its own unique abilities and preferred weapon. The first of the abilities is the non-magical solution, the Tech ability. Through the use of OmniTools, players can create shields, and hack robots. The second ability are Biotics. Biotics are implants that characters have that enhance the usage of dark matter (see: magic). These are pretty nifty powers that range from full blown manipulation of the environment to simple tricks that control the enemy.

Players can mix and match all of the classes provided in the game to create their own unique soldier. Just like Knights of the Old Republic, once reaching a certain amount of experience points players get the option to level up their character. At the level up screen players can choose which abilities to apply points to.

Story

Mass Effect is the first in a trilogy, and the beginning of the story is a marvelous one. As the game opens it briefly describes the state of affairs. In the future an exploration of Mars reveals alien technology. With that technology gathered, humans are able to explore the depths of the Milky Way galaxy and meet all of its residents. The technology and relays found is what the entire galaxy calls Mass Effect because of its implications on every society in the way it ties them together. The story begins quite a bit after the humans’ discovery of the technology.

Commander Shepherd is a human soldier of great renown regardless of what option you chose at the character creation. As the story begins, you find yourself on board the Normandy (the flagship for human technological feats in this new era of space travel) to investigate the discovery of a new alien artifact found on a human colony. During this seemingly normal expedition all hell breaks loose, and a moment of intrigue is revealed.

At this point it is a bit silly to continue on. Unlike most games, the story line in Mass Effect is far too sweeping, dramatic, and godlike to sum up in any reasonable review length context. The story line is absolutely superb and should be seen as a significant piece of science fiction. Furthermore, the dialogue system used to supplement the story material is excellent. Like most console Bioware games, players are given the opportunity to pick their responses when talking or being asked questions. There is exceedingly less stress put on the good vs evil style of previous Bioware titles which is great. No longer should you feel as if you need to reload your save file by queuing up the wrong response. Instead of an angel or a demon’s response to everything, players now get to pick between brashness and empathy. Both lines of responses open up equally important trees that should be fully explored.

Gameplay

Let’s get to the guts of the game, which is the combat. Mass Effect’s action takes place in real-time, in third person. It also employs a very Gears of War-ish style of action in terms of its cover mechanics as well as the over-the-shoulder camera. With the understanding that this game is an RPG and not supposed to be an amazing shooter, it does well. Although, it’s hard to forget about how tight the controls seem. Movement in battle is nowhere near fluid. Commander Shepherd can only duck, slide behind a wall, and run awkwardly while lasers are blasting at him. There are not any slick moves to negotiate between different pieces of cover. Standing outside of cover is not an option either. The enemy A.I. is incredibly sharp and absolutely willing to annihilate Shepherd the second he pops his head out. Yet, as the game progress and enemies begin to stop shooting and using claws, there can be some incredibly awkward moments of trying to adjust the camera and reticule to a monster in your face. Aside from that, in the context the system is in, it’s great.

Commander Shepherd has several weapons at his disposal as well. Depending on your character traits, different strategies will be employed in battle. First, let’s mention the guns. There is a standard handgun, machine gun, shotgun, and sniper rifle always available to Shepherd. In addition to finding new guns on a constant basis, players also have the ability to customize their weapons to increase either accuracy, power, or overheating. It’s important to note that the guns never run out of ammo, they simply overheat. Also, ammo can be switched out and replaced for additional ammunition that add modifiers according to the enemies you face. Proficiency with these weapons is monitored by the statistics you assign.

Although the gun is going to be a major part of your robot busting repertoire, biotics and battle skills can be a very important asset (even if you choose the soldier class). To use your powers, simply hold down the right bumper and scroll to the power you desire to choose. Using skills is an excellently easy task, and so is changing equipment. Thankfully, Mass Effect allows you to change armor and guns while engaged in combat. This is handled in the pause menu. Players can easily navigate the varying guns, ammo, and upgrades that can be added.

The hallmark for any Bioware console RPG is its dialogue system. In this respect, Mass Effect operates very much like Knights of the Old Republic. A character talks, then Shepherd is given the option to respond with typically three choices; a rude, an empathetic, and a neutral response. Also, as you level your character you’re given the option to throw some points in either your Intimidate or Charm attributes which add a few more layers of dialogue if using those skills. This system works a million times better than any previous Bioware attempt, and actually offers some decent immersion.

On top of the main story line, players are encouraged to go out and explore the entire galaxy. While a novel concept, this is the weakest part of Mass Effect. When aboard the Normandy, go to the galaxy map in the center of the deck and pick a system. At this point the same cut-scene/loading screen is given every time. Once inside the system, players are allowed to pick planets to explore – except there’s only one planet that you can actually land on. After landing on the planet, you’re introduced to the Mako, the worst RPG car in the history of games. The Mako feels like a broken Warthog. Once on the planet there will be three ore spots, one area of interest and one building to enter. Every building is from the same mold. In fact, as you explore you’ll notice that every corridor, every box, and every door is the same on the majority of the planets. This creates an extremely boring atmosphere. Anyway, after checking out the building choose “Return to the Normandy” in the pause menu and feel somewhat satisfied.

Thankfully, the main quest absolves the above problems. The Mako sections are typically straight runs (which avoid the frustration) and the fighting is always in a different building. If anything, the exploration seems tacked on. Obviously little decision making went into it other than, “What color should we make this planet?”

Graphics

This is one of the few big time faltering points for Mass Effect. While the game looks great for the most part, the engine it runs is very prone to loading in sheets. That means after every loading screen players go from looking like a bowl of primordial soup to beautiful and textured in a matter of seconds. It’s an odd phenomenon, but it never really serves as a distraction. In this respect Mass Effect operates much like Gears of War. The flaw is there, it’s noticeable, but you’re still chain-sawing dudes.

Everything in Mass Effect is well detailed. The ships, the star systems, the characters, and the armor. Which by the way, there is a lot of different armor to choose from. There is a gentle fluidity to motion, but clipping can be an issue as well. Often in heated conversations Shepherd’s hands will float into an NPC’s ribcage. Probably the most annoying problem is Shepherd getting stuck while walking. Once Shepherd is stuck (this can happen anywhere) there is no reprieve but to reload the game. Thank goodness for the autosave feature.

Sound

Mass Effect has an awesome score, which really brings out the intense moments of the game. What really takes the cake though is the voice acting. Mass Effect has the best voice-acting to ever be utilized in a game. Regardless of face, Shepherd sounds excellent while the rest of his crew echo that. The guys at Bioware must have been recording for months on end because there is an insane amount of dialogue thrown into Mass Effect.

Italics Mean I’m Getting Personal

There’s so much to talk about. I feel as if my review suffered from my cuts. Mass Effect is an excellent game, worthy of any RPG enthusiast. Hell, Mass Effect should work out perfectly for a casual gamer as well. The game offers an awesome experience with a fairly detailed game world. Plus, the story is amazing, epic, and thoughtful.

Although, Mass Effect suffers from some flaws. The major flaw is the exploration. I would have loved to actually had the feeling that I was doing something worthy outside the main quest line. Mass Effect doesn’t give you that feeling of adventure like Oblivion does. Warping to Mars just doesn’t feel right. I want to travel through the system, feel endangered on the way there, AND THEN I want to land on the planet and feel accomplished. Also, the graphics kind of blow. Might as well be honest. It’s not distracting, but its noticeable. These flaws aren’t enough to keep away from this game, but its easy to see Mass Effect is far from perfect.

4/5 Stars

How often does fantasy or desire become reality in the video game world? Rock Band is the epitome realized fiction. Anyone that played Guitar Hero for a length of time has spoken to a friend or at least thought about the grandeur of a Guitar Hero-esque game with every instrument. Apparently, the developers at Harmonix decided that it was worth the risk. After splitting with RedOctane and selling the Guitar Hero IP, Harmonix took the plunge to create the dream music and rhythm game.It is exceedingly difficult to compare Rock Band to anything else in its genre because of all it incorporates. What can easily be said is that the guys at Harmonix know what they are doing with the guitar portion of the game, but how do the rest of the physical assets pan out? Also, outside of playability, do all of the game modes and atmosphere create an enjoyable experience? Even better, will Rock Band continue to be a staple of a player’s repertoire of games? Rest easy, because Rock Band exceeds most expectations in terms of its gameplay and modes, but with that said, there are areas that could definitely be improved.

Before addressing the game itself, let’s talk about each instrument and their specific usage in-game individually. The Rock Band bundle comes with almost everything needed to have a party. Included with the game is a massive box that houses the drumkit, guitar, microphone, and USB hub.

The Guitar

After some light assembly one will observe the first notable difference between the Rock Band guitar and the Guitar Hero guitar – the addition of five smaller fret buttons located towards the bottom of the neck. These buttons are designed to be utilized during solos where quicker access is needed. In addition to being able to handle solos easier, the buttons can also be used traditionally with the strum bar. Although not the “hardcore” way to play the game, fat gamers can now sit down by their Baby Ruth wrappers scattered around their mom’s couch to play the game. The access to these buttons is comfortable and requires little effort from the user to get accustomed to the play. Unfortunately, thus far no special bass is being planned for Rock Band. Players will have to use the Rock Band Fender for both lead guitar and bass portions of the game.

Another new device added for Rock Band is featured on the body of the guitar. There is a toggle that operates as a distortion peddle. When Star Power is activated the toggle creates 1 of 5 different kinds of sound emulation depending on where the player sets the switch. While this does not provide any sort of purpose in the game, it serves to create an atmospheric and fun effect that everyone can enjoy. While on the subject of the body, there is a particularly nasty “flaw” with the strum bar. The days of happy clacking sounds have disappeared. Now, the strum bar feels almost mushy and unresponsive. Serious Guitar Hero players may see this as a game breaker and understandably so. The bar feels almost alien, and begs the question if the guitars came out of production correctly. In fact, a lot of gamers are experiencing issues with the strum bar gradually losing the ability to sense downstrokes.

Playing the guitar in Rock Band is practically the same as Guitar Hero visually. On-screen notes scroll down a massive guitar neck that the player has to hit to create sound in the game, thus collecting points. Notably, the difficulty seems substantially toned down. The move from Hard to Expert modes is a much smoother transition for it as well. Also, instead of glowing stars designating star power notes, a new white glow covers up the notes. It’s a different look, but offer the same practicality. When a player nails all these special notes, star power is activated giving the player higher modifiers for his or her score. Another addition are smaller notes designating hammer-ons and pull-offs. It is a sharp visual addition that greatly effects how players can choose to handle songs.

The Microphone

The microphone is another excellently made peripheral. It has a good weight to it and feels fairly professional. The mesh over the head is solid and the little Rock Band insignia on the base of the microphone is a nice little touch for an otherwise boring looking peripheral. Within Rock Band, the microphone operates much like any karaoke rhythm-based game. On-screen there is a scrolling bar that displays both text and the key in which the player must sing. The game piles on modifiers as each word is hit perfectly. During off times or solos when singing is not happening little rhythm circles appear to give the singer something to do. When these circles appear the singer is obliged to begin hitting the microphone in coordination with the beats.

The Drums

The drums are probably the most exciting addition and there is nothing to be disappointed about. Included with the drums is a bass pedal and four drum pads. Each pad is designated with a color that corresponds with colors brought on-screen. The pads and pedal are amazingly durable. At this point I have to throw away my third-person prose and add my personal experiences about the drums. I beat the ever-living shit out of the drum kit. I have little finesse when using my wooden sticks of furry. I smash the pads, I smash the rubber rims, and I miss terribly often. The bass peddle is also very durable. It has an excellently strong spring that allows a foot to be comfortably rested without accidently triggering the response while not in use. I also throw down on the peddle and it seems quite resilient.

The on-screen visuals for the drum are much the same as the guitar except an orange line begins scrolling down the screen to denote bass pedal pushes. The drum requires a bit of getting used to and can be quite frustrating initially. Tutorials and practice should be used liberally when trying to tackle the drumkit for the first time.

USB Hub

There is nothing too amazing about this tool. The USB Hub comes with four ports and a power adapter. It does its job well and appropriately.

Visuals

Rock Band is certainly a step up from Guitar Hero 3 in the graphical department. Character models are wonderfully animated and somewhat life-like. All the characters in the game have the same larger than life feel that Harmonix has utilized in the past. Even better, players are not constricted to any set number of characters. While not incredibly deep, players can now make their own rock Gods using a pre-set organization of faces and hair. Like most character creation staples players can also alter the height, weight, skin color as well as clothing and tattoos. The most expansive part of the character creation is the tattoo modifications that can be done. Oddly, it operates much like Forza’s system of shape changing and alteration.

The background stuff is excellent. It is definitely refreshing to see a true next generation look in a rhythm game. The band members that you create sway and play in accordance to the song. The most impressive element of the background visuals has to be the differing angles and filters used to show off the band. Another cool addition is better mo-cap involved with the singer in the band. Lips are synced nearly perfectly. The foreground is typically just a fret bar that displays notes, but even that looks great. The notes are crisp and clear. The menus are not Madden impressive, but they suffice.

Extra Gameplay Mechanics

There are two different offline modes of play. First, there is the “Solo Tour” which takes a character that you created through the 50+ songs in Rock Band. Solo Tour is open to any instrument except the bass, which is unfortunate. Bassists still are not getting any love. This mode is fairly mundane and can become as monotonous as any Guitar Hero single player experience. Thankfully, there are several different arenas in different cities to play in that look unique and add to the experience to the game.

The big money goes to the co-op and “World Tour”. Unfortunately, “World Tour” mode is not offered online. Besides that discouraging fact, World Tour is an awesome experience. Two, 3, or 4 players are needed to play the mode. The objective is to travel all over Rock Band’s virtual tour across the globe collecting groupies, fans, and points alike. It’s much like Solo Tour, except with dozens of more locations.

The mechanics of it operate much like the multi-player over LIVE. When using multiple players the screen is divided equally between all the foreground images and notes. Playing the correct notes will get you the girlies, but if a player starts blowing and fails a song other players in the game can revive the player by using Star Power. This is great for a family member that may not understand the stringent requirements of perfect note hitting featured in Rock Band. There are also several other modes available over LIVE, but they all seem tacked on. Battling another head-to-head with an instrument is alright, but not as fun as playing with an internet band composed of user created characters with Halo kids screaming racial epithets every six seconds.

The Sound

Rock Band offers superb 5.1 sound that captures the majesty of all the instruments and crowd interactions. One of the best feelings in Rock Band is created when all the band members are playing perfectly. As you continue to do well the crowd begins singing along. It’s an excellent touch that adds to the experience greatly. The master tracks in Rock Band do not have the murky sound that the MTs have in Guitar Hero. They are re-mastered for Rock Band very well. The in-house recreations of the songs sound great as well, and it seems that singers have been picked a lot better this time around. Your favorite songs won’t have those sections where you may say, “Wow, that’s terrible.”

As stated previously, there are 50+ songs featured on Rock Band with many more available on LIVE. More are coming as well as Harmonix has promised new downloads every week. The selection of songs from the initial list seems a bit poor. I have poor taste in music (industrial-bile-spitting-rock) so nothing really appeals to me. I don’t even want to talk about the Nails single. For others with more contemporary taste should be delighted with the mixture of music provided.

Broken Gamer Italics Mean Business

“Overall, I felt this was an excellent game that was completely realized by the Harmonix staff. All the instruments work well in unison and serve to create an excellent party atmosphere. I’m not much of a music and rhythm genre fan, but I can definitely appreciate this title. Rock Band offers great gameplay and a decent amount of music to choose from. Although there can be a ton of praise thrown in the face of Harmonix I believe there are some flaws in the presentation. Character creation could be much deeper and the multi-player could be so much more. No World Tour over LIVE? What was Harmonix thinking? If Gears of War can harness seamless integration regardless of save file, then Rock Band could as well. Another sore spot is the single-player mode. Although I don’t have any particularly amazing ideas as to what could be done to freshen it up, it feels as though I’m playing an ancient game mode. I wish there was a bit of spice. Also, there are a couple of guitar issues. Not having the ability to buy a Rock Band Fender separately is annoying, and I have already had to replace one because of the shitty strum bar. Apparently the problem is fixed, but the new guitars offer the same mushy feeling strum.

Rockband is like a decent prostitute. You know she doesn’t have any STDs, and she really likes to party but you know she will never love you like a wife would. Rock Band has room for improvement and maybe those improvements will be made in the future.”

4/5 Stars

I remember being one of the lucky ones on launch day. No, I didn’t stand outside like a retard. I pre-ordered my Nintendo Wii a month in advance so all I would have to do was drive to my local video game retailer and pick it up. Unfortunately, I was not allowed to pre-order the classic controller and additional Wiimote. I had to drive to several different outlets looking around for what I thought was crucial pieces to my Wii experience. Every store I went into had the same look. Overfilled trash cans and sticky cement. I laughed at the time because of the commitment. Little did I know I would laugh harder because of the mistake those eager consumers like myself made.

Those dumb bastards who stood outside. If they only knew the console that they were buying was never going to cater to their appetites for real video games. I often wonder how some of those bloated adults try to validate their night spent outside a Best Buy. I know I still try to validate the price and the time consumed in buying the console. The Nintendo Wii has some excellent aspects about it, but it also possesses some mighty flaws. These flaws are not necessarily hardware related either; for the most part, one should look at Nintendo’s grand plan for having a successful console. I have come to realize that instead of bloated thirty-something adults and teenagers standing outside of their favorite store for a Wii, it should have been five year olds and grandmothers.

Let’s get the hardware out of the way initially. I’m not especially privy to understanding the specifications required to run the Unreal Engine, but I’m aware that a console has to possess a fairly lofty set of standards to do so. I don’t know the difference between chips. What I do know is that the Wii’s graphics are always going to blow. Point blank, period. The graphics just suck compared to everything else available. I don’t want to hear any of these Gamecube parallels because its never going to happen. Super Mario Galaxy is the epitome of a nearly perfect looking game for the Wii. Most consumers, including myself, were aware that the Wii was going to be a decrease in graphical quality. What I wasn’t prepared for and (maybe others as well) was just how bad every game was going to look. I went in that store to pick up my Wii believing that E3 footage was simply poor demo footage.

Regardless of misconceptions of the console, it’s important to remember the perfectly valid point that the Wii lacks the power to do great things. While it isn’t hurting as much right now, it will in a year. As the 360 and especially the PS3 begin to push the bar even further with high resolution textures the Wii will begin to look like a relic. More importantly, poor graphics can impair gameplay. Honestly, who really wants to sit and around and play a game that looks like Blades of Steel when they could enjoy themselves with the rich texturing of say, Mass Effect. Furthermore, what developer is willing to commit its resources to graphical quality on the Wii when they know that pushing the bar for the console is in the end, worthless? How can you believe there will not be a substantial period of stagnation in terms of graphics as developers realize that the audience doesn’t even expect the game to look decent anymore? Also, how does a consumer validate their purchase of an LCD or plasma HDTV when they only thing that can use it for on the Wii is to point out pixels with the Wiimote? Like it or not, those are all perfectly relevant questions that point out the significant lack on the hardware side.

While the hardware can be seen as a minor fuck up, its important to look at the games that are available. Nintendo has gotten this new theme since drying up in the last console wars. Instead of going after gamers who enjoy content and relevant material that doesn’t just incorporate Mario or Samus, Nintendo decided to go after your mother. And not only just your mother – they want your grandparents, fiance, and little brothers and sisters too. And it sucks to be us, the gamers that enjoy quality games. This new group of people Nintendo is pumping its product out to love simplicity. Not the kind of simplicity that controlling mechs in Zone of Enders was, but severe “you have to be a Down’s patient” simplicity.

This is readily apparent when you go to your game retailer and look at the shelf. Absolutely nothing but these motherfucking party game titles. I don’t even want to bother recanting the names of these games. They’re shit. These are simple, poorly animated games designed to just steal money. Half the games play like development teams spent maybe fourteen minutes before putting the game in the can. Assholes.

Real gamers want actual games. We want gripping plots, superb animations, and immersion. We have expectations for the games slated for release. Even better, we want challenge. These are things that Nintendo isn’t going to provide for us. There is no “Super Mario Theft Auto” or “Mario Effect” or even “Mario-Ico.” High caliber games will never make their way to this console. As gamers we’re expected to sit back and play Mario Party #488 and pretend as if we fucking enjoy it.

More on to the point, I can’t help but to hide my regret over my purchase. I sincerely believed that the Nintendo Wii was going to provide an awesome outlet for developers, thus creating excellent and innovative games for me to play. Not so much. Nintendo initially marketed the Wii as such. It was supposed to be this magical machine that redefined 3D space in games and would be an essential console in the future. Then, Nintendo reverted to this “ho-hum we’ll pawn this shit off on your mom” attitude that does nothing but allow my console to literally collect dust around the power button.

How do you feel now, guys that stood outside at Best Buy? I hope the hours of anticipation allowed you time to reconcile your purchase. Because I’m still sorry, and I am almost positive that you’re getting there.

Midway is announcing today that a downloadable map pack is on the way for Stranglehold on both the 360 and Playstation 3.  Unfortunately, no-one cares.  Does anyone actually play Stranglehold online?  There can’t be a more barren component in a game since that cowboy game for the 360.

Anyway, the map pack is set to include;

• 10 additional multiplayer maps
• 21 character skins

Also, with the 360 version of the download, gamers will get 10 more achievements worth 250 gamerpoints.

…in Europe, and apparently everyone at 505 Games is really excited.  Since its September 2006 release, Cooking Mama Cook Off has ripped off over 1 million Nintendo DS and Wii owners.  This game has been the companies’ greatest success thus far, and they’re not afraid to show it.  An excerpt from this memorable press release reads;

“These fantastic results vindicate the hard work and dedication from everyone at 505 that has gone into making this our most successful franchise to date,” commented Ian Howe, 505 Games’ Managing Director. “We’ve set ourselves a lofty target, but now we’re all keen to see how quickly we can get Cooking Mama 2 to one million!”

Of course this serves as a dual purpose, because now we know that there indeed will be a Cooking Mama 2!  My hands are shaking in anticipation for another convoluted mess of menus, gameplay, and HORRENDOUS voice-acting for the the Nintendo Wii.  I can’t wait to chop onions like its Wii tennis or some shit.

In a Q and A posted by GameSpot here it was revealed officially that Jeff Gerstmann was not fired over his review of Kane and Lynch.  The interview is conducted between the GameSpot news team and apparently some savvy unnamed management person.  Over the course of the interview, Gamespot management denies several other allegations such as pressure from Eidos to alter the review, the video review being pulled, and the massive advertising from Eidos at the time.

Gamespot paints a picture of a company that is deeply rooted in journalistic integrity and acts as if the allegations against them are trivial at best.  While Gamespot is unwilling to comment on the exact reason Gerstmann was fired, it is a bit easy for anyone to glean information as to why he was fired anyway.

In a scenario like this there is no such thing as a coincidence.  The facts stand as thus; Eidos was heavily marketing on the site as a time, the game was terrible, Gerstmann tried to be funny and has a history of knocking down marquee games.  Fanboys are still crying over their 8.8 or whatever review of Zelda: Twilight Princess, and Halo 3 losers still want a perfect 10.  When Gerstmann went after a game, he didn’t just do it objectively.  Gerstmann went at his reviews with attitude and zest on a consistent basis.  In the course of his career with Gamespot he began to gain notoriety for this.  Before the Kane and Lynch review went live, I’m sure corporate already realized what they wanted to do with Gerstmann.  They probably saw his style as a detriment to the ability for the company to maximize its profits with their advertisers, therefore he was terminated because of his content as opposed to pressure.

It’s probably that simple really.  If those ads weren’t up at the time of the review, then this may have all went differently.  Unfortunately, this was all bad timing.

Remember those really shady knock off horror titles for the Playstation where the only thing that ever scared anyone was a creak in a fence or a dog barking loudly? That is Alone in the Dark’s cup of tea. Alone in the Dark in previous iterations has been a boring affair bore from a retarded union of Resident Evil’s control style and Silent Hill’s poorly rendered hallways.

Now, somehow this cross-platform take on the series is supposed to elevate the bar for the horror genre. Unfortunately, the bar must be raised so motherfucking high that the developer Eden Games will not release a single shred of gameplay other than pre-rendered footage. Although, the bits of story released seem to sum up the hilariousness. An investigator notices that Central Park is more than a park! It’s a shelter from an apocalyptic invasion of monsters!
Anyway, here’s the screen from their newest screenshot. Which seems to be a piece of viral marketing.

Today, Square Enix announced that Dragon Quest Swords will be released on the Nintendo Wii exclusively in Spring 2008.  This isn’t your mother’s Dragon Quest, because in this variation the player will swing the Wiimote to emulate sword movement.  All other RPG elements are to be thrown aside except for upgrading equipment.  Furthermore, Square Enix also realizes that Nintendo Wii owners have been absolutely starved for mini-games.  In addition to asshole gyrometer physics, players will be able to experience the wonderful world of [crappy] mini-games!

The story surrounding Dragon Quest sounds like an excerpt from a children’s book.  There’s this boy from Avalonia, right?  To become a man he most go on a magical quest throughout the land!  In the course of his journey to take the “Walk of the Worthy” he has to kill and maim varying monsters throughout the world.

Yep, that’s all you get Wii owners.  At least the game is in 3D, as promised by Square Enix.  More on this game as information comes in.